Tuesday, January 6, 2009
After Raymundo left I felt like I couldn’t do that again, so I asked CPS to put my file on hold for awhile. I really think I just needed time to grieve. After several months, I received a prompting that I should try again. I was really scared but I knew it was the right decision. I asked CPS to take my file off of hold.
I decided to take the next child they offered me. I wasn’t really looking to adopt at that time or at least that’s what I told myself. I felt that we could help some child out that didn’t have such an easy life. It wasn’t long after that they called me with a 4 year old boy. He had had some really terrible things happen to him in his short little life. He was born in prison and was so severely drug exposed that he had seizures as a baby. He had a pretty rough life being raised by one of his relatives. He was with us for 6 months and then left for another one of his relative’s home.
The day he left was the day Kadee came. I had known about her for a few weeks. She had the same Case manager as the little 4 year old boy. So they had gotten to know me real well and knew that they liked me. They started telling me about her, and I was very interested. They showed our file to her birth mom and she liked us. We couldn’t wait to see her.
The case worker told us she was a 9 month old with brown hair and hazel eyes. I was so excited about her that I told them if she is meant to be mine I want her right now!! CPS, of course, moves a lot slower than I thought they should. We didn’t get her to our home until she was 10 months. A month might not seem like a long time to you but it was forever to me.
My Case manager wanted me to get to know Kadee before they made the move to our home. So me and Brian took a trip to where Kadee was staying and met her for the first time. She was such a beautiful baby. I fell right in love with her.
The foster parents that she was staying with said that she was stranger shy but she came right to me. They were surprised. I wasn’t! I knew the moment I saw her that she would be mine. I knew that with all three of my kids when I saw them, but after dealing with the scare of already loosing one I began to doubt.
Shortly after we met her “a kind of relative” decided they wanted Kadee. They were related to Kadee’s biological sister but were not related to Kadee. Knowing how judges usually work I was afraid to take her. I didn’t want to have to go through loosing another baby. I didn’t know what to do.
I had Brian give me a blessing and still didn’t know for sure what to do. I wanted her so bad. We had already gone and visited her several more times after the first time we met her. In my heart I think I knew that she was mine, but Satan kept feeding me with those stupid doubts!
Brian was more willing to take the chance. He said we could loose any one of our kids, at any time, not just her. You never know what is going to happen. He asked me if I was going to just roll over and play dead. That should have been enough to convince me!
The Case manager called me to find out what we decided. I was still confused. My mom had come over and we were in my room talking when she called. Brian had been looking through a genealogy book, that his Grandma had given him, and left it lying on the bed.
As I was talking to the Case Manager asking more unnecessary questions to try and help me decide I picked it up without even thinking about it and started to thumb through it. I came upon a picture of Brian’s great great great (I don’t know how many greats!) aunt when she was a baby. My mouth dropped open! I grabbed Kadee’s picture and showed it to my mom and handed her the genealogy book to compare. They were a spitting image of each other. My mom’s mouth dropped open as well and she mouthed the words “She’s yours!!” It was all I could do not to break down on the phone and make myself look like a fool. I had all the conformation I needed. I told the Case Manager that we would take her and a few days later she was here. The family that was trying to get her backed off. CPS never heard from them again. I think they gave up!
Kadee had a hard time adjusting. She had been moved from home to home to home before she got here and I think it really made her mad!! Every time we went anywhere she would flip out. I think she was afraid of being left again. She would over eat until she barfed. It was so hard for me to see.
I stupidly thought that somehow she would just know that this is where she belonged. I have had to prove that to her over and over. Today Kadee is doing great! She has come a long way. I know it has been real hard for her though.
She is such a beautiful little girl and so dang smart! I’m so lucky to have her as my daughter. I just hope I can be who she needs me to be for her.