Tuesday, January 6, 2009
We didn’t get to keep little Raymundo, but he was with us until he was nine months old. The day we picked him up from the hospital he weighed only 5lbs. He was born three months early and had already had two surgeries before we picked him up.
I remember the call. I was so excited. A baby and he needed me. I wanted him so badly and couldn’t wait to see him.
I heard a whispering in my heart and knew that he wasn’t mine to keep. After I held him though, I didn’t want to believe it. How could I? He was so small and helpless and just perfect.
The social worker asked if we could drive to Mesa and pick him up at the hospital where we would learn how to care for him. I remember the first time I saw him. He was so small. I couldn’t wait to hold him. At the same time I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to give him the care he needed. He was put on a bottle, just the day before we picked him up. He had a feeding tube in before that. He struggled learning how to eat. He fought me the whole time I tried to feed him. Then he would throw up and finally feel well enough to eat. The nurses had him on an every four hour four ounce feeding schedule. He was so tiny. How could he go that long in between eating? After we got him home I had to change his eating schedule to an ounce an hour. It seemed to work better for him and he could keep more of it down.
As he got bigger and healthier he became the sweetest happiest baby. He always had the biggest smile for everyone. I knew in my heart that he wouldn’t stay but I couldn’t stand the thought of letting my beautiful baby go. I felt like my heart was breaking in half. I couldn’t think about it. I had to just enjoy the time I did have with him.
CPS decided to have a Family Group Decision Making meeting. This is a meeting where they invite all members of the biological family that they can find. Together they decide what would happen to little Raymundo. After hours and hours of meeting they finally came up with a plan. Raymundo’s great uncle and girlfriend would be taking him to raise. I met them after the meeting and really liked and hated them at the same time. Hated because I felt they would be taking my baby away from me. After all that time, to him, I was his mommy. Over the next month we met with them often so they could take Raymundo and spend time with him and get to know each other. I was so praying that they would change their minds.
The day finally arrived. I didn’t know how I could do it. I couldn’t make my arms give him away. I sat in a chair holding him close and crying and praying at the same time that some how I would be able to make it through this. At that moment I felt literal angels crying for and with me. It began to rain. Not only rain but pour. Sounds weird but, I felt such comfort in the rain that day.
My mom and sister Tami came over to say good bye and be a support for me. When they came to get him he was sleeping. She (his uncle’s girl friend) had to take him from me because I couldn’t let him go. I wanted to run and hide but my sister was right there to grab me and hold me as I thought I could just collapse on the floor. She held me up and offered her support to me. My mom was next to hug onto both of us as we all cried together.
That was truly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but over the next few months I felt so close to heaven. I felt the loving support from my Father in heaven in the way of Him sending someone special to help just when I felt I couldn’t go on. I was never alone. Angels were always near.
I don’t know why, but I do know that this is part of God’s plan. His new parents have sent me pictures and have let me see him. I feel so blessed.